31 Days at Charlie's
by KaleidoscopeKate
Summary: All twenty-someodd members of the extended Weasley lot  plus a few old friends  pack their bags and set out for Romania! Stressed-out mothers, pranksters, a heck of a lot of redheads, and more meet in one story. Merlin knows if they'll make it out alive.
1. Voldymuffin

**A/N:** Why, hello! I'm pretty excited about this story. But you don't really care about that, do you? So get to reading! Now! Imperio!

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><p><strong>Voldymuffin<strong>

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><p>'<em>LILY LUNA POTTER! <em>If your arse isn't down these stairs in the next oh-point-five seconds, I'll make you wish we'd lost the war and you'd never been born!'

'I'm _coming,_ Mum,' Lily quickly descended the staircase with several bags. 'Sheesh, don't have a thestral.'

'Isn't it a little insensitive to talk about the war like that, Mum?' Albus asked.

'I was in the war,' she retorted. 'If anyone's earned the right, it's me.'

Harry entered the room with another large bundle of luggage. 'I think we're about ready. Where's James?'

Ginny looked around frantically. 'But…he was just here! James? JAMES?'

'Hold your hypogriffs!' James called from upstairs. 'I'll be down in a minute.'

Harry glanced at his watch. 'We were supposed to have left seventeen minutes ago.'

'Yes, I'm well aware of that fact,' Ginny snapped. 'Ron just sent his Patronus. They're waiting with the Portkey.'

'Guys, I've had an epiphany,' James announced, extending his arms far above his head as he came downstairs.

'You've decided to move to Norway and join a clan of trolls?' Lily suggested, inspecting her nails.

'James, we've got to-' Harry eyed Ginny, concerned, as her face was as red as her hair and she looked ready to burst at any moment.

'No, it's great, Dad! Just wait for it,' he beamed, and pulled a mysterious package out of his pocket. 'I thought, while we're in Romania, we should have some kind of project!'

'James, there's a reason for summer. That's when you _don't _do projects,' Al groaned.

James silenced him with a flick of his wand and a spurt of blue sparks. 'My bad, little bro,' he offered with a questionable level of sincerity. He cleared his throat. 'This project is…a baby Nargle.'

Ginny momentarily stopped fuming, and four pairs of eyes stared skeptically.

'Er, James I think you've been hanging around Mrs. Scamander too much.'

'No, Lils. This stuff. Is legit. I promise. I've got a baby Nargle in here. And she's so, so, precious, aren't you, my little Voldymuffin, yes you are!' he cooed to the package.

'…er, what did you name it?' Harry asked, knowing he _must_ have misheard.

'Oh, right,' James said casually. 'Her name is Voldemort, but I like to call her Voldymuffin.'

'You named your pet Nargle…Voldemort.' Al said slowly.

'Yeah,' James shrugged. 'Nargles reach adulthood at about one month, so I figured we take her to Romania and nurture her and whatever the bloody hell we're supposed to do, and then after that, we let her go.' He grinned. 'What do you think?'

'I think you're bonkers,' Lily informed him immediately.

'Mad,' Al agreed.

'I think your choice of a name is highly offensive,' Ginny scolded. 'I have no opposition to this idea, but, really, James? _Voldemort_? Would you like for me to call up Scorpius Malfoy for a little "Let's Restart the Death Eaters" playdate while you're at it? When it gets dark, you can go all _morsmordre_ on the poor innocent sky. Here, give me your left arm and let's get you a matching little Dark Mark.'

'Ginny, I think you're overreacting-' Harry began.

'I demand you change her name,' Ginny sniffed.

'BUT-' James protested.

'No,' Harry said, and the four of them turned to him in shock. 'What?' he asked sheepishly.

'I'd think you of all people would be offended by that, Harry!' Ginny exclaimed.

'I…' Harry stammered. 'I… let's keep the name. I... I think it's kind of…sweet.'

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><p>Reviews, please! They're like virtual little cookies :)<p>

~KaleidoscopeKate


	2. A Hugely Hugo Production

**A/N: **Reviews are lovely, as always! :)

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><p><strong>A Hugely Hugo Production<strong>

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><p>Hermione sighed. 'Ron, they're half an hour late.'<p>

'You know we can't leave without them, Hermione,' Ron explained to her for what was far from the first time. 'Otherwise they can't get to Charlie's.'

'You've mentioned that, Ron.'

'You're the one who keeps complaining!'

_ Their petty bickering is poison to my ears. Then again, the world is poison to my ears, my eyes, my mouth, nose, mind. Filled with stupid people who work so hard for nothing, like unimportant ants who will only be squashed a moment later. We are all unimportant. I am unimportant. Life is unimportant. Nothing matters at all. Nothing makes a difference._

'This is twisted, Rosie!' Hugo exclaimed, peering over his sister's shoulder. 'Mum, come read what Rosie is writing!'

'Stop watching me write in my diary, you little prat!' Rose leaped up and shot him a death glare. Hugo was used to receiving them. Even her heavily-lined eyes and studded nose had ceased to faze him long ago. 'And _don't _call me Rosie. Ever. Again,' she snarled.

'Hugo, leave your sister alone,' Hermione chided tiredly. She wasn't in the mood to pick a fight with Rose.

'Were we like that when we were her age?' Ron whispered to Hermione, scrunching up his nose.

'I heard that,' Rose snapped. 'And I'm bored of bloody waiting. These bloody Potters are_ always_ late. I'm going to see Scorpius.' She stormed out of the living room and toward the front door.

'Scorpy and Rosie, sittin' in a tree,' Hugo singsonged.

'_Petrificus totalus_,' Rose muttered, and Hugo froze with an incredulous expression. 'Really, is he _eight_?' she asked no one in particular.

'Think again, young lady,' Ron whipped out his wand and shot green sparks at the door, causing it to lock firmly, despite Rose's determined actions to open it. 'You are _not_ allowed to leave the house when we're about to go on vacation. _Particularly _not there.' Unfazed (he was used to Rose blatantly performing underage magic), he lifted the curse on Hugo, who began sputtering incoherently.

'Why, Dad?' Rose challenged, lips pursed. 'Why not there? It's only across the street, and we know it'll be at least another twenty minutes before the Potters get here. It's not because he's my _boyfriend,_ is it? _Couldn't_ be, right?'

'The sarcasm—is-killing me,' Hugo choked, falling to the ground in mock pain.

'Ron,' Hermione warned, seeing his face grow red.

He disregarded her. 'It bloody well is _not_ because he's your _boyfriend_! You want to date Stephen Longbottom? Fine. But I am _not_ letting my _daughter_ mess around with that _Malfoy_ spawn!'

'_Expelli-'_ Rose shouted.

Hermione flicked away the spell effortlessly. 'Rose Minerva Weasley.' Her voice was shaking. 'You will _never_ use magic against your parents. Am I making myself clear?'

'Look who's talking,' Rose retorted.

'Oooh,' Hugo gasped.

'Go to your room. Now,' Hermione ordered.

Rose pouted, but, rather proud of herself, scurried up the stairs.

'Well, that's all for tonight, folks!' Hugo stood up and began a series of comical bows. 'Make sure to tune in next week for another episode of "Angsty Goth Girl who Thinks She's Better Than Everyone Else and Is Always Off Snogging Sketchy Blondie"! This program has been a Hugely Hugo Production, thank you very much!'

'Hugo, are you packed?' Hermione asked for the eighteenth time. (Hugo had been counting.)

'Oops. No.'

'Hugo!' she cried. 'You've told me for the past three days that you were completely packed!'

He shrugged.

'Go pack!' she ordered. 'Now!'

'Seriously, please tell me I was never like this at their age,' Ron sighed once they were alone.

Hermione cocked an eyebrow. 'You were loads worse, you git,' she tells him, prodding him in the stomach.

Ron shook his head in disbelief. 'How did Mum ever manage it…'

'RON! Are you tearing up?'

'It's just…my Rosie…she's so…she used to be…she's so,' Ron sniffed. 'She's so…'

'Intelligent?' Hermione suggested through clenched teeth. '_Independent_?'

'Sassy,' Ron admitted.

Hermione sighed. 'People used to say how much she was like me.'

Ron bit back a laugh. 'Now when did I say she wasn't?'

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><p>~KaleidoscopeKate<p> 


	3. My Grandma

**My Grandma?**

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><p>'They're never on time,' Molly complained, stirring a quickly-cooling pot of stew. She could've done it easily by magic, but she had been waiting for an hour longer than expected and had nothing better to do.<p>

'I wonder where they get it from,' Charlie remarked with an amused smirk, glancing back and forth between his parents.

'Time management becomes impossible with children,' Arthur protested from his spot at the kitchen table, where he was dissecting and reassembling his latest Muggle contraption.

'They were all irresponsible, even before they had children!' Molly exclaimed.

A slight but muscular, dark-headed man entered the kitchen, followed by a large, floating barrel. When he lowered his wand, it landed gently on the floor.

'Hello, you,' Charlie greeted him with a quick peck on the lips. 'These two old grouches here were just complaining about their children. Can you believe it? My siblings?' His sarcasm was thick but playful.

'Your siblings? Never. You? Most certainly.' He laughed at Charlie's faux-offense.

'He's right, you're impossible,' Molly agreed.

'You're a grouch,' Charlie mumbled.

'Your mother is the loveliest woman I know!' Dean protested.

'Don't ever break up with Dean, Charlie,' Molly ordered, giggling. 'I don't know what Ginny was thinking.'

'That I was gay, probably,' Dean laughed. 'Don't worry, I plan on sticking around for a while, Mrs. Weasley.'

'Dean, dear, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Molly?'

'At least once more, Mrs. Weasley.' Dean winked. 'Where should I put the Firewhiskey, Char?' He nodded in the direction of the barrel.

Charlie bit his lip. 'Somewhere where James will never_, ever_ find it.'

'Too late,' James announced, strolling into the room. 'Hey, Al! Hugo! The whiskey's in here!'

'I don't think so,' Molly tutted, setting down her ladle and embracing her grandson. 'Where are the others?'

'Bringing in the luggage. I just figured they'd get mine for me,' James explained. 'HEY! Uncle Charlie! Wotcher, man!' He charged the older man and they proceeded to chest-bump enthusiastically.

'Been too long, mate! How's Hogwarts?'

'Well, you know. Every girl in Hogwarts is after me.' James passionately man-hugged Dean.

'What's that you've got there?' Arthur inquired, gesturing to the small package under James' arm.

James grinned maniacally. 'You'll see.'

'JAMES SIRIUS POTTER, get out here and help with the luggage!'

'Good ol' Gin,' Dean chuckled.

'It's all right, we've got everything,' Ron managed, lugging a multitude of bags into the kitchen. 'Hi, Mum.'

The small room was suddenly overflowing with people.

'This won't do,' Charlie muttered, then swished his wand. The room was suddenly several times larger.

'Oh, Molly, the stew smells lovely,' Audrey crooned.

'Would you mind making pudding?' Molly asked. 'Your elderberry pie can't be beat.'

'Bonsoir, Meester Weesley,' Fleur chirped, pecking Arthur on the cheek.

'I still don't see why we couldn't invite Teddy,' Victoire grumbled.

'This is a _family_ vacation,' Bill explained for what was not the first time.

'Where's Rosie?' Hermione whirled around in a panic, realizing suddenly that she had not seen her daughter since they had left the house.

'She never came back from her snogfest with her _Scorpypoo_,' Hugo burst into a series of exaggerated puking gestures.

Ron sighed. 'I suppose I'll have to fetch her.'

'I'll do it,' Charlie offered with a smirk.

'No, you shouldn't have to—' Hermione began.

'She's more likely to be responsive to me,' Charlie pointed out. 'Gay uncles are _cool_.'

'He's right,' Dominique butted in, beaming adoringly at Charlie.

'I love your hair like that, Dom,' Charlie told her. 'I'll be right back, everyone. Don't have too much fun without me.' He Apparated away with dramatic style.

'I brought Mad Libs,' Lucy waved a colorful packet in the air madly.

'Mad Libs?' Arthur asked eagerly. 'The Muggle game?'

A chorus of groans emerged from nearly everyone present. Lucy was the only Weasley who had inherited Arthur's fetish for knowing _everything_ about Muggles.

'We're _not_ playing another one of your Muggle games, Lu,' little Molly groaned.

Big Molly high-fived her namesake quietly. 'I'm glad you spoke up, or I would've.'

'I have an announcement, everyone,' James proclaimed, standing on the kitchen table.

'Get. Down. From. There. Now,' Ginny ordered.

James rolled his eyes, jumped down to the floor, and continued. 'I have a project for us for the next month.'

Albus, Harry, and Lily chuckled knowingly as Ginny groaned quietly in anticipation.

'A baby Nargle.' James lifted the package into the air.

A general gasp of excitement, fear, and confusion.

'Her name,' he paused for dramatic effect, 'is Voldemort.'

Silence.

'But you can call her Voldymuffin.'

A single clap slowly picked up, and became a roaring applause. James bowed repeatedly. 'Thank you, thank you.'

'Why didn't I think of that,' Hugo muttered, pointedly refusing to clap. 'I'm supposed to be the star of the family.' He stalked away to brainstorm new ideas for his next Hugely Hugo Production.

'OW! UNCLE CHARLIE!' Rose and Charlie appeared suddenly in the kitchen, along with…Scorpius Malfoy.

'Sorry,' Charlie whispered to Ron. 'I couldn't separate them.'

'Rosie! What happened to your hair, your beautiful red hair?' Molly lamented, running her fingers through Rose's dyed-black locks.

'I _can't_ believe you're making me come here!' Rose groaned.

'Rose Minerva Weasley, you are treading on thin ice,' Hermione warned through her teeth.

Rose pouted. 'At least let Scorpius stay.' She clung to his arm desperately. Scorpius, who was much more personable than his girlfriend, grinned cheerily.

'Hey, Al,' he waved to his fellow Ravenclaw and best friend.

Albus rolled his eyes. 'You're a mess, Scorp.'

Ron opened his mouth to declare 'absolutely not,' but glanced around the room. They all liked Scorpius, and it would keep Rose from acting out. 'All right,' he agreed reluctantly.

Rose clapped eagerly and clutched Scorpius' hand.

'Scorpius Malfoy, welcome to the Weasley Family Reunion,' James proclaimed. 'Meet our newest relative, Voldemort Bellatrix Potter.'

"Her middle name is _Bellatrix_?' Molly hissed, and everyone turned to look at their irate matriarch, who had snapped her ladle in half. 'James Sirius Potter, that is one step too far.'

'Fine,' James sighed. 'Voldemort Narcissa it is.'

'Mate, my _grandma_?' Scorpius exclaimed incredulously. 'That's sick.'

'Deal with it,' James ordered.

'If he gets to stay,' muttered a grumpy Victoire, pointing to Scorpius, 'why can't Teddy come?'

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><p><strong>AN:** Please, please, please, please review. Like, seriously. Please. I pledge my eternal love to anyone who wants to review. UNBREAKABLE VOW and EVERYTHING. GAHH.

~KaleidoscopeKate


	4. A Beard

**A/N: **Shout-out to EightCloseBracket because she is the coolest person in the world. Everyone be jealous. NOW. You know you're jealous. Don't pretend you're not.

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><p><strong>A Beard<strong>

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><p><strong><em>BOOM.<em>**

'Well, look who made it,' Ginny laughed.

'Hiya, everyone!' George announced, strutting into the room.

'Always have to make an entrance, don't you?' Ron muttered.

Molly and Arthur's modestly decorated kitchen was now overflowing with banners, streamers, confetti, and a few stray fireworks.

'Nice of you to finally join us, little bro.' Charlie rolled his eyes.

Angelina entered with Fred, Roxanne, and a box of colorful candies. 'Hello, Weasley Family!'

Quiet little Fred and Roxanne calmly approached their grandparents and pecked them each on the cheek. 'Hi, Grandma. Grandpa. How are you doing?' Their smiles were uniform and angelic.

'Seriously, who are their _real_ parents?' Hermione hissed to Harry.

'Who wants candy?' Angelina offered, and was swarmed by a dozen overenthusiastic children.

'They really _don't_ want that candy, I'm sure,' Bill chuckled quietly. 'How many times can they fall for George's—'

'BILL!' George whispered. 'Shut it!'

Lucy was the first to approach Angelina, and the first to take a bite of a bright purple candy. Growing green, she turned to Percy. 'Daddy, I don't feel so—' She puked all over the floor.

'GEORGE FABIAN WEASLEY!' Molly shrieked.

'I promise, I had _no clue_ there was a Puking Pastille in there! Fred! Roxie!'

'As _if!_'

The kitchen erupted into chaos as the children began to exhibit all kinds of strange affectations and maladies. In addition to several fainting spells and nosebleeds, Rose sprouted a mohawk , James' eyes bugged out in a googling fashion, Lily appeared to be infatuated with a meowing Scorpius, Victoire broke out into vicious pimples, and Louis' head had become invisible.

'We're never going to get to Romania at this rate,' Dean chuckled.

'The effects will wear off by dinner,' George assured him. Seeing his mother's glare, he gulped and added, 'I mean, it's only a guess. A rough estimate. I have experience with these kinds of things. Not that I did this time. No involvement whatsoever. At all.'

'Still wishing Teddy was here?' A spider-limbed Dominique taunted Victoire, who was beyond consolation and had buried her boiled face in Fleur's shoulder.

'Dominique Apolline Weesley,' Fleur warned, then turned to a chuckling Bill. 'Don't encoorage her!' she snapped.

Hugo stormed back into the room dramatically. 'I've got it!' he proclaimed to his family, but stopped, taken aback, to observe the scene around him.

'Hugo, go get me a bucket! NOW, please!' begged Audrey, who was struggling to deal with a retching Lucy.

'Whenever I have a good idea, it always gets one-upped,' Hugo grumbled. 'Nice look, Rosie,' he told his sister. 'Can't say it makes a big difference, overall. But it's a subtle change. Refreshing. Almost like—'

'HUGO!' cried Hermione.

'I'm going, I'm going! Sheesh,' he muttered, and stomped out of the room once more.

'DOBBY'S SOCK!' James wailed mournfully, his highly disproportionate eyes appearing even larger when they were filled with tears. 'I've lost Voldymuffin!'

The chaos increased, which was impressive because no one would have thought it could be possible. Shrieks and yelps erupted from every which-way as everyone scattered and hid, searching for and avoiding the baby Nargle that was apparently on the loose.

'There she is!' Lily screamed, pointing madly. Everyone turned just in time to see Voldemort wriggle down the sink drain.

'Call Luna!' Harry shouted. 'We need backup!'

'THERE'S A NARGLE IN MY SINK!' Molly cried.

Hugo erupted into the room, dropping the bucket he held, and leaped onto the table. 'I've got it _for real_ this time, guys!' He was beaming, but no one was paying any attention.

'Here, Voldypoo, Nary-girl, Cissy-pie, Muffykins,' James cooed, dangling a Pygmy Puff above the sink in hopes of luring Voldemort out.

'Give me back Fenrir!' Lily cried, clutching for her prized pet. Bill twitched.

'Chill, Lil.' James pushed his sister away. 'It's a noble sacrifice.'

Lily pulled her wand out. 'Don't make me.'

'Lily Luna Potter,' Harry warned distractedly, but he was rather preoccupied with Albus, who had fainted _again_.

James rolled his eyes, which had returned to normal size.

'_Densaugeo_,' Lily chanted, and James' two front teeth grew to massive proportions.

'Bollocks,' he whined with a heavy lisp. 'I can't go thirty seconds without an abnormally large body part?'

Triumphantly, Lily snatched Fenrir back, but the Pygmy Puff wriggled out of her arms and pranced over to Albus.

A small toad hopped out of Al's pocket and, after what appeared to be a conversation with Fenrir, the two pets hopped away.

'Dolores,' Al groaned weakly, having just been revived. 'Lils, your stupid Puff kidnapped my toad.'

'Don't blame it on Fenrir!' Lily pouted. 'It's James' fault. He scared him!'

'Voldemort, Fenrir, and Dolores,' Ginny muttered, trying to make Louis' head visible again. 'They couldn't just pick _normal_ names?'

'I really _do_ have it this time, guys,' a disheartened Hugo offered from his perch on the table. 'It was going to be great.'

The family proceeded to ignore him. Hugo was fed up. Voldemort's nipple, he was the _star_ of this family! He could not stand for such blasphemy.

'LISTEN!' He hollered. '_Imper_—'

'You watch it, Hugo Dobby Weasley!'

'_Mum_,' Hugo whined. 'Not my middle name…'

'Dobby was a noble warrior, just like any of the rest of them. I expect you to be _proud_ of that name!' Hermione snapped. 'And you do _not_ use the Imperius Curse on your family! Understood?'

'Understood,' Hugo muttered. 'I just wanted you to listen to me.'

Hermione softened. 'We're listening, dear.' She beckoned everyone in. Most of the children had recovered from their maladies. Victoire, in particular, had finally stopped bawling, as her face was significantly less bloated.

'My own personal Hugely Hugo project for this trip,' he began slowly, 'is…wait for it… wait for it….'

'WE'RE NOT BLOODY WAITING!' Rose yelled.

Hugo scrunched up his face at her. 'Fine, fine. Buzzkill.'

'Get on with it, Hughie,' Molly urged. 'Supper's been ready for a long time, and we need to eat because we're leaving very early tomorrow morning, got to make sure we get to the-'

'I'm growing a beard!' Hugo interrupted, beaming madly.

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><p><strong>AN:** Review? Purty please?

...it's my birthday today, if that makes you want to review more. No joke. xD

~KaleidoscopeKate


	5. Gingers Rule, Blondies Drool

**A/N:** This chapter is not for those easily offended by swear words or blonde jokes. ;)

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><p><strong>Gingers Rule, Blondies Drool<strong>

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><p>'James, we've searched the entire house,' Ginny said softly.<p>

'It's the first night she's ever spent on her own,' James sniffed.

'I wish there were something else we could do, Jamie, but after breakfast, we're going to Romania,' Molly crooned. 'We haven't heard back from Luna, and she was our only hope.'

'Oh, I do apologize for not responding,' a dreamy voice sighed. 'I've been rather busy.'

James' heart leaped as he turned to see Luna standing in the kitchen doorway. 'I do believe you owled?' she winked.

'Thank Merlin you're here!' James bolted to his feet. 'My baby Nargle, Voldemort, escaped! I haven't fed her since lunch yesterday. She's got to be starved!'

'We'll find her, I'm sure,' Luna assured him. 'Would you happen to have a kiwi?'

'Um, maybe,' James scratched his head and turned to Molly.

'I'm sure we can get one,' she said. 'Do Nargles like kiwi?'

'Oh, not at all,' Luna laughed. 'In fact, kiwis are rather poisonous to them. So, James, come with me. I have a feeling where Voldemort might be.'

Hugo pranced into the room as Luna and James set out on their search and Molly began to make breakfast. 'Morning, Aunt Ginny, Nana.' He stroked his bare chin proudly. 'Look how my beard's coming along! After only one night!'

'What beard?' Ginny laughed.

'It's an excellent beard, dear,' Molly humoured him. 'Would you please set the table?'

Harry stumbled into the room, yawning. He ruffled Hugo's hair. 'Morning, Hugh. Gin, Mrs. Weasley.'

'Good morning, Harry dear, have some eggs,' Molly forced a heaping plate of scrambled eggs on the still bleary-eyed Harry.

'I'd hate to start without the others,' he managed. 'Why don't I help?'

'Hugo, would you go wake everyone?' Ginny asked. With a discreet scoff, Hugo started upstairs to begin the difficult task of waking his relatives, who did _not_ like to be woken.

'We've found her!' James proclaimed joyfully, hoisting Voldemort above his head as he marched victoriously into the kitchen with Luna. 'Right off the bat!'

'Oh, that's wonderful, dear!' Molly exclaimed. 'Where was she?'

'On the roof,' he replied nonchalantly.

'I thought you said you looked there.' Ginny raised an eyebrow.

'I _said_ I did,' James replied, but before Ginny could scold him, a horde of Weasleys entered the room.

'Hey, Loony!' George called playfully to Luna. 'How do you drown a blonde?'

Fleur coughed pointedly as Victoire shot him an evil glare. Scorpius merely rolled his eyes.

'I suppose you could push him or her underwater and hold them down,' Luna said thoughtfully. 'But you'd have to make sure they didn't have any gillyweed. And that they weren't a mermaid.'

'Glue a mirror to the bottom of the ocean,' George finished as if it were obvious.

Bill put his arms around Fleur and Victoire. 'That would really only work on these two,' he teased. The two women acted offended and shoved him away.

Rose slinked into the kitchen last of all. 'I need a cinnamon roll, stat,' she informed Molly.

'Rose! Don't you ever-' Hermione began.

'Ooh, what about this one: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?' George quipped.

'Are you looking for a home accident of your own?' Victoire muttered quietly.

'She moved!' George exclaimed excitedly.

'He's really asking for it,' Roxanne whispered to Fred.

'What does a blonde have in common with a butterbeer bottle?' Lucy piped up.

'This is not going to end well,' Fred giggled back.

'Both are empty from the neck up!' Lucy finished, and George looked as if he were about to burst with pride for his niece.

'Zat's eet!' Fleur hissed, and swished her wand quickly.

'What the fuck did you just do?' George asked, then quickly covered his mouth as he realized he was surrounded by children. 'I really didn't mean to fucking say that-' His eyes widened, and then narrowed at Fleur.

'Why the fuck does Uncle George keep cussing?' Lucy asked, then gasped at herself.

Fleur looked very satisfied by this point.

'Darling,' Bill murmured. 'I'm not sure-' he began, but she silenced him.

'Zee prats deeserve eet,' she smirked.

Rose was intrigued by this phenomenon. 'Does this mean I can say fuck without getting grounded now?' she wondered aloud.

'It most certainly does not,' Ron assured her sternly.

'What the fuck is this for?' George exclaimed. 'I was just fucking kidding around.'

'We blondes have to stick together,' Victoire said smugly, linking arms with her mother and Scorpius. She extended a hand to Luna, but the Nargle-expert was busy spreading mayonnaise on a kiwi.

'I think you're forgetting how outnumbered you are here, Vic,' Lily informed her.

'As if you're one to talk about outnumbered,' Victoire retorted. 'The only Slytherin in the family.'

'Victoire Apolline Weesley!' Fleur exclaimed.

'Absolutely uncalled for,' Bill scolded. 'There's nothing wrong with being a Slytherin,' he told Lily, who rolled her eyes in return. She couldn't count how many times she'd heard that.

Victoire sighed. 'I still don't see why everyone _but_ Teddy gets to come,' she sniffed, glancing back and forth between Luna and Scorpius.

'Why did the blonde scale the fucking chain link fence?' George blurted out.

'To fucking see what was on the other side!' Lucy yelled.

'IT'S SO HARD BEING A BLONDE WEASLEY!' Victoire cried, and rushed out of the room, followed by Scorpius and Fleur.

Luna looked up. 'I suppose there's some sort of a blonde revolt. I'll be joining them,' she informed the rest of her friends and left the room.

Rose twirled a strand of jet-black hair. 'Maybe I should go platinum,' she murmured, and with a wave of her wand, transformed her hair to a shade with less pigment than even Luna's, and hurried out of the kitchen. 'Oh, Scorpy-poo! Wait for me!'

'This is going to be fucking war,' George growled to the remaining crowd, which was largely redheads.

'This is the only place I know where gingers overrule the rest,' Hermione laughed.

'Gingers Rule, Blondies Drool,' Arthur informed her.

'Oh, bollocks, we'll have to pick sides, won't we?' James sighed. 'I suppose I'm Team Blondie,' he decided, reassuring his yellow-furred Voldemort. 'I'll be your number one cheerleader forever, Voldymuffin,' he promised, and rushed out of the room to join the rest of the blondes.

'I, for one, am staying out of this,' Harry chuckled to Albus. The two of them, Dean, Hermione, Audrey, and Hugo clustered together, forming a small group of non-blonde-non-redheads.

'It'll be more fun to watch, anyway,' Hugo commented. 'Family feuds are quality entertainment.'

'And I really thought we would be spending the vacation in Romania,' Dean chuckled to himself, shaking his head.

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><p><strong>AN:** Review your little hearts out! ….Seriously, that would be great!

~KaleidoscopeKate


	6. Dr Dean

**A/N:** Holy hippogriffs, it's been forever since I've even _thought_ about FanFiction! How tragic! Well, here goes!

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><p><strong>Dr. Dean<strong>

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><p>'Vic, we're finally in Romania! Give it a rest! I mean, if we hadn't Apparated, we would've travelled hours by now, and you would've <em>had <em>to have been over it.' Victoire narrowed her eyes, so he continued more gently. 'Let it go already, I was just-' George's mouth tensed up, still fearing Fleur's worn-off curse—'kidding.' Relieved that he'd escaped another f-bomb, he threw his arm casually around his niece.

She shot him a pointed glance, shoved his arm away, and stormed into the living room. Something of a blanket fort had been constructed, with a glittering sign reading 'Blondes Unite To Torch Every Red.'

'Butter?' Rose sneered. 'Stupid acronym. Am I right, Vic?' She flipped her newly-silver hair.

'Rose,' James explained calmly. 'Butter is yellow. Blondes often have a yellowish tinge to their hair. It makes sense. I'm very proud of my contribution to this group, and would appreciate it if you didn't bring me down like that. It makes me feel insecure and insufficient.'

Scorpius cocked an eyebrow. 'You're not even blonde.'

'Neither is Rose, really,' Fleur pointed out.

Luna continued to talk incoherently to specks of dust.

James' lip quivered. 'You're right. All of you.' He threw his hands up in the air, exasperated. 'I'm sorry, Voldymuffin. I guess this wasn't meant to be.' He stormed out of the tent, taking the blanket with him. 'I can see my contributions aren't appreciated here, so I'll be taking _my_ blanket with me as well. GOOD DAY. GOOD DAY, I TELL YOU!'

He stormed off. Voldemort peered around, looking adorably hopelessly lost without James.

Dean wandered in, looking confused. 'Um, what's going on, guys? Is everything okay? I mean, with the blonde revolt and all?'

'We're having issues,' Victoire explained. 'We can't even get along intra-blonde anymore.'

'James isn't bl-'

'I thought butter was a FINE acronym, Rose,' Victoire snapped back.

'Whoa, whoa, take it easy, guys,' Dean sat down next to Fleur. 'So, no one's getting along anymore, huh?'

'Well, getting along is a pretty relative term, since the reason we were all in _here_ getting along in the first place is because we weren't all getting along out _there_,' Fleur pointed out.

Dean frowned. 'It's a family vacation. Everyone should be enjoying themselves!'

'Oh, well isn't that a shame,' Rose muttered sardonically.

An excited grin suddenly spread across Dean's face. 'I think it's time for a little session of Dr. Dean.'

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><p>'Hello, and welcome to <em>Dr. Dean<em>! I'm your host, Hugo-'

'Actually, Hugh, I'm the host…. you know, Dr. _Dean_?' Dean whispered.

Hugo frowned. 'You're the doctor. I'm the host.' He waved away Dean's further protests and continued. 'Welcome one, welcome all! Welcome gingers and blondes alike!'

'WE'RE NOT ALL GINGERS AND BLONDES! SOME OF US ARE DIFFERENT!' James screamed maniacally.

'And that's perfectly okay, sweetie,' Ginny cooed, petting his head in her lap. 'That's perfectly okay.'

'AS I was saying,' Hugo continued, irritated, 'we have a very exciting segment for you today! Family conflict! The drama ensues! And now for—drumroll, please….I SAID DRUMROLL!'

The family stared at him blankly.

'We're not drumrolling, Hugh. That's totally lame-arse.'

'Thanks for that, Rosie,' Hugo sighed. 'Well, what the bloody hell. I'll be in my trailer.' He stalked out of the room.

'Um,' Dean chuckled awkwardly. 'Let's begin, I suppose. Victoire, who claims to have been victimized, would like to speak first.'

'I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS VICTIMIZED HERE!' James cried.

'Shh, Jamie. Mummy's here.'

'Right,' Dean continued. 'Well, Vic, how did you feel when your Uncle George was making blonde jokes?'

'I was very offended,' Victoire sniffed. 'I felt insecure, and like I'm not a true Weasley just because I'm blonde. I understand it was just a joke, but I didn't find it funny.'

'Thank you, Victoire. Do you have anything to say, George?'

'I'm sorry, Vic,' George mumbled.

'_What_ did he just say?' Molly gasped.

'I'm bloody sorry,' he snapped. 'I didn't mean it like that. I was just jesting around. You know me.'

'But you didn't stop even when it was clear she was upset,' Fleur interjected.

'She had no right to get upset!' Dom argued. 'It was a bloody joke! Blonde jokes are funny!'

'IS KICK A GINGER DAY FUNNY?' Victoire cried.

'NO!' A dozen voices shouted in unison.

'Kick A Ginger Day is no comparison to a blonde joke or two,' Ron tried to reason.

'WELL YOU'RE NOT BLOODY BLONDE!' Rose cried.

'NEITHER ARE YOU!' Victoire shouted back.

'Whoa, whoa, everyone, let's take this down a notch. There's no need to yell. We can just talk this out and get to the root of our problems, okay?' Dean smiled affably. 'George, Ron, Dom, and….well, pretty much everyone else, it's clear that Victoire, Fleur, Scorpius, and for some reason, Rose, are offended by the blonde jokes.'

'I really don't-' Scorpius began.

'Just go with it,' Dean hissed.

'You forgot me,' Luna reminded him on her way out the door.

'I'm sorry, Luna. Were you also offended by the blonde jokes?'

'No,' she responded airily. 'Toodleoo, everyone!'

'Bye, Luna,' Harry muttered, managing a halfhearted smile and a wave.

'As I was saying, it's clear that the blondes in the family were affected by the jokes and found them offensive. Maybe, in the future, we could steer clear of making fun of blondes and find something else to laugh at that everyone would find funny,' Dean suggested.

'I think that's perfectly reasonable,' Molly smiled. 'Right, everyone?'

'Suck it, bitch,' Little Molly muttered, heard only by the scandalized Fred and Roxanne, who gasped quietly.

Fleur elbowed Bill. 'Right,' he agreed loudly, and everyone else reluctantly chimed their approval.

'Excellent,' Dean grinned. 'Now, if anyone has any other concerns they'd like to talk about-'

'I do,' James sobbed.

'Oh?'

'I feel unappreciated, unloved, unworthy, unspecial, unsmart, unradical, unsexy, all from being with all of you.' The tears streamed down his face as he pointed around the room.

'All I have is Voldymuffin,' he cried, cradling the fuzzy mound in his arms. 'She's the only one that makes me happy anymore. We used to call ourselves a family,' he said dramatically. 'What happened to that?'

'Oh, Jamie-'

'Silence, old lady. Silence to all. Let us observe a moment of silence in memoriam of the family the Weasleys once were.'

'James, we're still a family,' Charlie assured him.

'HOW ARE WE A FAMILY WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN RESPECT MY MOMENT OF SILENCE?' James bellowed.

'Er. Sorry.' Charlie paused for a moment, silently counting to ten in his head before continuing. 'Right. So, like I was saying, we're still a family, J. We all love you, and, er—respect you and, um—are proud of you every single day.'

'I was so proud of that blankie fort. And of butter. And Voldemort,' he sobbed. 'Everything I suggest gets shot down!'

'That's karma,' Hugo muttered from his creepy perch in the corner of the room, which he had specially shadowed to create dramatic dark lighting. 'It's my turn to be the star of the family.' He cackled quietly.

'Look, James, we all respect your ideas, even if they are a bit, er—_outlandish _sometimes,' Harry reassured him.

'We _still_ haven't addressed the REAL problem here,' James stood up on his chair, wobbling slightly. Voldemort buried her face in the crook of his arm.

'And what would that be, James?' Dean coaxed.

'Where, in the name of Albus Dumbledore, did all the Firewhiskey go?'

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><p><strong>AN:** Now time to get caught up on my other stories... aaahhh I love these sudden rushes of inspiration! :D

~KaleidoscopeKate


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